My Journey to Building a Black Mom Circle of Support

THEY SAY black women are angry. Aggressive. Apathetic. Jaded. I’m here today to correct that stereotype and tell you otherwise.

“They” also say necessity is the mother of invention. Now I give credit where credit is due, because “they” got that one right.

Three years ago I desperately needed a space to just be. As a Black mom. Sure, there were plenty of spaces already out there and I tried desperately to fit in, like so many of us Black women do in many aspects of our lives. But I didn’t fit in spaces quite right. I personally hate being a circle trying to fit into a perfectly formed square. It’s so uncomfortable. After years of trying and giving up, I had an epiphany. Why not create the very circle I needed?

Trying to Fit Into Mainstream Mom Groups

Let me explain. When I had my two youngest children, now ages 7 and 4, I joined the community boards of What to Expect and found myself bonding with a great group of women, mostly white. We went off to form our own secret Facebook group and became very close. Can you believe we even vacationed together? Yep, all 15 of us met up and vacationed at Disney World! As like any family, we grew very close and had our ups and downs.

But over the years, I grew increasingly alienated because there were things I just could not talk about here. One time a mom posted a photo of suggested hair styles for little girls. It contained 10 different ways you could style blond, Caucasian hair. All the moms commented except for me. My daughter’s thick black hair couldn’t work into any of those styles. I wanted to talk about hair too. No one noticed that conversation didn’t apply to me as I sat as an outsider and watched from the sidelines. I often felt left out. Yet it was no one’s fault; just a familiar microcosm of how things are, and I’m no stranger to this feeling.

I Accepted the Fact that I Couldn’t Fit In

Although I loved these moms, as there were many topics we all related to, I grew increasingly hollow in his home. There were so many things I wanted to talk about as I moved deeper into my motherhood journey, but race and culture was a sore spot in this space. I needed to be unapologetic about my identity without it being just a topic. I wanted to talk about teaching my daughter the beauty of her brown skin color. I needed hair style suggestions, I wanted to talk about breastfeeding as a Black woman. Hell, I even wanted to ask if anyone knew about a good brown foundation for my skin.

But I could not. Now all was not lost because picking up new, true friends along your journey is always love. I kept my dear friendships with Barb from Canada, Erika from PA, Hannah and Morgan from NJ, Nyomi all the way in England, Kels from MI, Jaclyn from NC (go Heels!) and Stephanie my dear Texas buddy, just to name a few. The power of the internet. They will always be life-long friends. But I slowly faded out of these groups. They were not my home.

And I Built My OWN Home

Now, I’m not one to sit around long and complain about something that isn’t working for me. I sulk for a hot minute, but then I get moving. Once I identified my void, I asked myself, what is it that I need? And I made it. I formed a small group with 8 moms like myself. Moms of color that I believed would enjoy an intimate group discussing motherhood through our lens. We started out small and grew, and grew, and grew.

After the clear focus and tone was set, moms from across the country joined the group. All moms like me, looking for friendships, advice, and support. Over the last three years, nearly 400 women have been a part of this group. Most have stuck around, others come in and out as they pass through seasons of need.

We ALL are Responsible For the Circle

Back to my circle. Correction: it’s really not my circle and I would be selfish to claim it. This is not just about me. It’s OUR circle.

Let me explain something to you. I honestly do not know where I would be in my life without these women and I’m sure they feel the same. These women have gotten me through the happiest and darkest moments of my life. They are literally seconds away. Imagine that kind of support. A tight group composed of many women that I have met in person, others that I have forged close friendships with online. As a group we speak every day.

Although we are not exclusively Black, we are predominately women of Color. We celebrate Blackness. Diversity. Different cultures. We speak to each other from a perspective of being minorities. We inherently understand the stress associated with doing our little girls’ “big hair.” We speak from a lens of tackling career challenges from a unique position of Black women. We celebrate big hips, brown thighs, dark skin and Black cries.

I am At Home

We “govern ourselves accordingly.” We don’t fight, argue or tear each other down. It is a standing rule that all disagreements and conflict, as they always come, be handled privately to ensure the larger circle never breaks. While healthy disagreements are encouraged, the culture of support we have all created and adhered to is what holds our strong bond in tact. We all abide by the rules because it means a lot to each individual to do Her part in protecting the space. Broken rules would break our circle and that’s not an option.

Because motherhood, marriage, friendships and self-care are hard, we all need community. We get together in small groups. We get together in large groups. Two mamas meet for the first time at a coffee shop. We arrange play-dates with kids that have never met. I encourage moms to find a new friend and exchange numbers. I have met lifelong confidants. There is nothing like hugging a mom in real life that you have given endless virtual hugs to online.

We share our praises, our prayer requests. We laugh together, we solve problems. We help find each other jobs. We have literally cried together – YES group virtual cries are a real thing. Moms have announced pregnancies to our group before they shared with anyone else. We have collectively mourned rainbow babies. Moms have shared the beauty of their marriage. Moms have reached out for help while hurting, posting through tears, to receive help creating hard, new chapters in their lives.

I love my home

I built a home and asked all these women to come reside with me. Three years later, we are standing strong as an eternal circle that cannot be broken. Sure, individual links come and go, but the circle itself never opens.

Dedicated to my Mom Talk mamas, I love you all to pieces.